When "Finding Yourself" Crosses Over into Self-Indulgence

Filed in archive Marriage and Finance on September 12, 2008

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Photo courtesy of iStockphoto, Juan Monino

Many people who get married underestimate how large a part finances will play in their marital bliss, or lack thereof. I'm not talking so much about how much money you have (although that matters), but whether you and your spouse are on the same page about how much you want/need and how much you spend/save and what the money you have gets spent on. While all couples will have some disagreements, some have more issues than others. Case in point:

Dear Margo: When I married "Phil" two years ago, I was in heaven. It was the culmination of several wonderful years of living together. But at the time we were married, my husband was unemployed. He'd had a not-so-rewarding experience in his last position and wanted to take some time to reevaluate his path in life and his spiritual purpose.

...

He says he cannot spend his life being "miserable" in a 9-to-5 job seeing how disappointed I am in my current job, and he feels "something big" is coming up spiritually. Now my savings, the money I had put away for a house, has dwindled by the thousands in an effort to maintain some semblance of the life we once enjoyed. Phil meditates all morning, then walks around town or goes to lunch with his friends while I work to pay the bills.

Margo (who is Ann Landers' daughter if you didn't know) basically says she should tell him to take a hike:

Unless the "something big, spiritually" involves the lottery, you need to inform Phil that your chakras are aligned in such a way that he must either be miserable in a 9-to-5 job, or single 24/7.

Of course it's easy for Margo to dispense such advice, as she has no stake in the relationship, no history of love with this person. Nevertheless, the advice is still sound.

A marriage shouldn't be based on money, but once you enter in to a marriage, I believe you do have a certain responsibility to not only try to be happy yourself, but to make the other person happy as well. If Phil's wife was cool with meditating all day and wandering around town aimlessly and somehow scratching out a living, great. But she isn't. She'd like a little bit of money, a little cushion in life, maybe God forbid a few luxuries here and there. By over-indulging his own desires, this guy disrespects the woman he married by not caring how his actions (or inaction) affect her.

There are many reasons marriages end in divorce, but to discount the role that money will play in the chances of you staying together would be a mistake.